Ranting is Free

I lost him. I sure did. He doesn’t want me or anything with me. It’s terrible. I cnt stop crying. I hate myself.  I’m never good enough. Why God? why? This hurts so much. So much. 

i just want him back. I want all the good and the bad. I want him. why?

So, funny thing is I’ve been meaning to write everyday since the last message but I haven’t.  I went again this past weekend to do my interview. This time she wasn’t there and I was obviously alone. We spent the entire weekend together. Let’s just say the same night after I posted such nonsense on tumbler I skyped Cory-his best friend and I spoke to my Best friend Teffy and together they helped me clear my thoughts. 
I had a moment of insanity, well not insanity but real insecurity. He just did a walk that reminded of every jerk and asshole I had ever been with and how I can’t ever go back there. As we all already know, I adore this kid more than he could ever imagine. I mean like I started this blog because I needed a place to vent about it. that way I don’t totally overkill my friends with the subject of him. Right so back to this weekend. It was SUPER GOOD, for the most part like I honestly have no complaints just some reserves. Which I think are totally reasonable and what not. Friday night we watched a movie and he CRIED in front of me. I also finally told him about my meltdown about him and I told him the emotional story side of my life. He cried then too!! He cries because he cares, cause he isn’t some ice cube he feels pain for me. That was so hott. Okay so I cried too not going to lie but he sooooooooo cried first. We watched “Extremely Loud” it was soooooo cute and soooooooooooo emotional I mean I have no idea how I survived the epic proportion of heart ache the movie caused me. Right so that same night we FINALLY KISSED. I did the first move but it was only cause he was taking too long. lol Like I knew he was going to but then he tries being a stupid tease and I was like “not this time you sucker!” bahahaha okay right so kissing, leads to making out, which leads to a whole lot more!!! OH MY GOODNESS!! I mean like for real he barely like touched me and I was out….done for and just willing for it all. That night we did not sleep ;) I not even a little okay maybe like 2 or 3 hours. No more than that. Hahaha 
Saturday was my RA interview! I feel like I ROCKED the interview. The only things that I’m scared of is that fact I didn’t get verbal confirmation and I’m like grrr cause I heard some other dope did get one. Bleh and like people somewhat knew who was interviewing them and like made casual conversation with them and I definitely had no such luck.  Either way after I got out we hung out some more in his room. I’m not sure what we where doing but I think it involved a lot of kissing and idk messing around with each other. Later that night we went to eat with his friends and I felt like a total idiot like they made fun of the fact that I’m really gullible. Not cool  then even LATER that night we went long boarding with his friends. I feel like I redeemed myself there oh and he was the one who spent one on one time with me trying to teach me how to Long-board. Yey! That was actually really fun. SUPER FREEZING COLD but fun none the less.
Then we got back to the room and we where both really tired so we just slept. The night didn’t go without its rucuss, he got called for something in the middle of the night.  Other than that great night. Oh and one hell of a morning. He came ;) Literally. I was wondering when I got so good LMAO I kind of tell him absolutely everything. I don’t think he get’s that I tell him EVERYTHING. We had some pretty serious conversation each of these days he admitted that he’s scared that I wont come to USF, that I wont get the RA job, of how much he likes me, and some other stuff but I kind of tuned out there. I told him how I felt about him too. I even told him about how I pray for him, how I prayed FOR him, I asked for him by name. Scary I know but he’s still around. He mentioned how he thinks about “oh what if she’s not the one.” which was a little hurtful I mean like there is no way I didn’t already know that or think it too but it still hurt to hear the words come out of his mouth its like ouch. But I got over it. He also then stayed quite after I told him about the God thing. That almost brought me to tears. It hurt more for him to not say anything at all than to have said I just don’t feel the same. I don’t know what I expected him to say but yeah I was trying to leave his room and he wouldn’t let me. He said something a long the lines of “Im scared of….” fill in the blanks I felt like it went with what we are becoming or how i like you or something idk but I told him I wasn’t going to push it until I could see his face that way I could read his face.  Right, well that was that. Before then we set boundaries and such which was another sensitive thing for me. So we are exclusive but not public. Only the inner circle is allowed to know about us but everyone is allowed to suspect what they want but we openly deny it/ don’t confirm it. No holding hands/ kissing in person and such and then he said something like -the only reason he doesn’t want a relationship with me just yet is cause of the summer stuff and the RA stuff. He’s going to NY France and Chicago this summer. I wont see him AT ALL. Not even a little bit. So that’s a pretty big one. This goes back to the “still looking” type of thing that sucks to know. I mean we are god I guess cause we talk about it and I know he like me, I know he kind of wants to be with me, he walked me to my car and kissed me in my car in the parking lot (pretty public place) but honestly no one was around to see. He texted me this time to tell him I got back okay. He called me last night, he told me he missed me, he said he can’t wait til I come back, he even asked me to be his Valentine. That was pretty cheap though. He waits till I’m gone to ask, no time spent/ no money spent its not even the slightest bit public so no one knows for all I know it is just a way of “keeping me happy” blah. idk what to think. I guess I’m a little more bothered by things than I let on. I mean who wouldn’t be? Some one who doesn’t care. I mean he said we could have a skype date eat dinner together but I highly doubt that’s going to happen. I mean I don’t think he was serious about it. Well I mean I guess he could be but you know the skeptic inside me wont let it go.
Sincerely, Me 

Disappointment has a name, it’s Javier Andres Ramirez. Let me put it in simple words. To him I’m just another girl. Just another hook-up (even though we did nothing of the sort) I mean nothing and am not special in any kind of way, shape or form. It sucks, when you want something so bad and then you realize it really was all in your head. 
Like how more confusing can he be. HE says one thing and then demonstrates another. I’m so torn. I don’t know, I probably messed everything up big time by spending the night. *Shoots her self. I promise we didn’t even kiss not even a little or a small peck, all it was, was cuddling and sleeping together but still, too easy. Then I absolutely melt when he touches me so how hard can that be to figure out when I’m a puddle of mush.
We are looking for totally different things and I have to accept that and distance myself from him. ENTIRELY distance myself, practically eliminate myself from the equation. Oh how great. I want to tell Cory all of this, for one because its the closest thing I have and can do to actually telling Javie which I would never. Also because I kind of want him to tell me that I’m totally wrong and that Javie wants me the same I want him, but I know this is soooo un true. It sucks. Back to square one. Funny how things change in a matter of *days/ hours. Funny aint it?


Sincerely, Me 

This makes me sooooo mad. somehow I lost all the text I was writting earlier. I hate this. But I can’t remeber what I wrote but I will try to recount it.  

I’m in his room, on his bed, watching him work on some RA stuff. It’s kind of great. I like observing him do stuff. So last night was AMAZING. I came over to watch a movie Ides of March and like I slept over. No worries nothing physical/sexual happened. We just slept, and cuddled a lot. A LOT. Bodies intertwined, this includes hands, legs, faces. BAH!!!! I was in heaven. Waking up to him? A dream come true. He snores a little but nothing crazy. He sleeps heavy but I love it. He’s squishy and wide. Oh how ultra sexy, but I don’t tell him that I tell him he’s fat. Lmao Looking at him look at me, I swear I jizz myself. BAHAHAHA okay maybe not jizzing but I totally get turned on. He just has this sexy appeal, at least to me. He’s cute, not sexy but sexy to me. LMAO oh my if he where to read this. He has no idea that I’m sitting here writing about him in front of him. That would really suck if he just turned and tried looking at what I’m doing. 

Let’s  just give you a break down of this weekend. I got here on Thursday and I saw him like fifty times, made eye contact and kept walking. My time is precious ;)  I didn’t say hi at all. It got him going, we texted. Friday he watched me do homework and just sat around with me. I stayed up sooooooo late. Teffy and I went to bed at 6:30am!!! WE had gone to Angelika’s apartment and she saw these Initial cardboard cutouts covered in magazine clippings and wanted to make them, so we did. We are going to hang them up in our rooms. He went to a party. It really sucks knowing what he is doing. I like it better when I imagine him doing nothing and being bored in his room waiting to Skype me. But no he is having fun. I mean like it doesn’t upset me that he is partying and getting tipsy what gets me is knowing. Ignorance is bliss. I can’t lie I would hate not knowing more. I would feel like he’s hiding stuff from me, but he doesn’t and isn’t. That makes me supa happy. He tells me everything. I Skype Cory too, his best friend and I feel like I have to confess my sins to him it’s like a must. I mean even if I don’t tell him Javie will soooo what’s the point at least I can feel like I said it.  Right, so drunk Javie texts me but doesn’t want to see me or anything. Epic sadness.

Speaking of, He didn’t talk/text me ALL DAY saturday, that was sure close enough to depressing. But then when he did he asked me to come watch a movie. I did. We watched Ides of March. I loved the movie! Right movie was over and he invited me in, so I crawled into bed with him. Oh goodness, it was hard at first but somehow we managed to sleep together. It’s funny how when we wake up he feels like he had to keep pulling me in cause I would turn away from him. but I mean like damn the boy was warm and I love cold. I love sleeping when Im cold. I like to be warm but he LITERALLY is like the sun reincarnated. I love it though, his weight on me, his warmth on me? all of it. I love it. I mean I LOVE it. He didn’t kiss me either. He would/does get sooooooo close to my face and doesn’t. It drives me insane. I like it though and I like it a lot but damn I just want to kiss him already. I’m dying. But I need to be patient, everything comes to those who wait. 

Plus he is the one who needs to buy all this hard to get shyt. I have no idea how I’m pulling that off either but he is eating it up. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up cause I want him!!!!! I like him so much already its like BAHHH! I have to make you work for stuff but, why if i want it too. I have to make him feel like he worked for it. he doesn’t like things given to him. I know this. I talk to his best friend Cory a lot. He tells me stuff ;) Well at the same time its like I feel like I have to tell him everything. I must confess my sins to Cory cause if I don’t he will. I feel better knowing he gets both sides of the story. Cory is really cool though so no worries there. But yeah, that’s that.

He went to tutoring a while ago, I’m alone in his room I feel like I should pull some kind of prank of him but I’m not sure what. There isn’t much to do really I think I’m going to take a nap. I’m really tired. 

Well, I love you tumblr, Thank you god for giving me this. Thank you for blessing me in such a manner. I will do my best to appreciate the gifts you give me and do more to deserve them everyday.  I love you Lord <3 

Sincerely, Me 

We skype often, kind of. We kind of do “all method” communication but only like on the same day. We don’t talk everyday but thats perfect. I’m really happy that I’m not obsessing over every detail. Its nice to just take things at face value. I don’t over analyze anything he says or the skyping. I’m becoming very chill about it all. I still WANT to talk to him all the time but I know I can’t and I know I shouldn’t. Space is necessary. I’m quite thankful for the distance, it teaches me patience and gives him time to miss me :) I miss him too, well I’m not sure its missing. I just kind of really want to see him. I wonder if it’s going to be awkward when we actually do see each other. I hope its not. I need to act as if nothing is different when I’m there. It’s not to seem uninterested it’s so we can honestly be friends. I don’t want anything without a friendship based on it first. People are fake when its all romantic and no friendship. I don’t want to be fake around him. I want to be able to be myself without feeling like all of me is not good enough or too weird. He’s already seen me acting pretty wild though lol I can’t deny that. I just hope I can still be the same. I want o be comfortable and feel any sort of pressure. I wouldn’t be sincere then. I hate not being sincere. I hope all goes well.

I’ll be there this weekend. I’m very excited. 

Sincerely, Me

We skype often, kind of. We kind of do “all method” communication but only like on the same day. We don’t talk everyday but thats perfect. I’m really happy that I’m not obsessing over every detail. Its nice to just take things at face value. I don’t over analyze anything he says or the skyping. I’m becoming very chill about it all. I still WANT to talk to him all the time but I know I can’t and I know I shouldn’t. Space is necessary. I’m quite thankful for the distance, it teaches me patience and gives him time to miss me :) I miss him too, well I’m not sure its missing. I just kind of really want to see him. I wonder if it’s going to be awkward when we actually do see each other. I hope its not. I need to act as if nothing is different when I’m there. It’s not to seem uninterested it’s so we can honestly be friends. I don’t want anything without a friendship based on it first. People are fake when its all romantic and no friendship. I don’t want to be fake around him. I want to be able to be myself without feeling like all of me is not good enough or too weird. He’s already seen me acting pretty wild though lol I can’t deny that. I just hope I can still be the same. I want o be comfortable and feel any sort of pressure. I wouldn’t be sincere then. I hate not being sincere. I hope all goes well.

I’ll be there this weekend. I’m very excited. 

We skype often, kind of. We kind of do “all method” communication but only like on the same day. We don’t talk everyday but thats perfect. I’m really happy that I’m not obsessing over every detail. Its nice to just take things at face value. I don’t over analyze anything he says or the skyping. I’m becoming very chill about it all. I still WANT to talk to him all the time but I know I can’t and I know I shouldn’t. Space is necessary. I’m quite thankful for the distance, it teaches me patience and gives him time to miss me :) I miss him too, well I’m not sure its missing. I just kind of really want to see him. I wonder if it’s going to be awkward when we actually do see each other. I hope its not. I need to act as if nothing is different when I’m there. It’s not to seem uninterested it’s so we can honestly be friends. I don’t want anything without a friendship based on it first. People are fake when its all romantic and no friendship. I don’t want to be fake around him. I want to be able to be myself without feeling like all of me is not good enough or too weird. He’s already seen me acting pretty wild though lol I can’t deny that. I just hope I can still be the same. I want o be comfortable and feel any sort of pressure. I wouldn’t be sincere then. I hate not being sincere. I hope all goes well.

I’ll be there this weekend. I’m very excited. I honestly can’t wait <3


Sincerely, Me 

We skyped!!! Unitl 4 in the morning!!!!! He wants it ;) 
Oh my goodness lets just say I don’t know why I’m not over reacting more. My patience actually. He told me soooooooo much about him self and he got to know me too. He called me an Iphone 4S <3 He looked at me and just smiled. Let’s just say everything is going quite well.  
Okay I have to admit, I texted him. I had to do SOMETHING, he was falling off the world. Out of my life, giving up on me! I HAD to do something. There is no way I’m letting him go…..not without a fight at least. I can say “I fought for love”. Okay maybe not love at the moment but definitely a possibility.

Our conversation was pretty personal he told me about his “Active life” and shared with me about his family, I don’t think many people know about that. He’s such a nice guy. Honestly, I’ve never liked a nice guy before and here I am writing blogs on tumblr because of one. “Say you’ll never let me go” Beyonce is key in my life. Hey she had a baby! Blue Ivy. What a name right? I love the song Jay-Z came out with on the day she was born. It was the sweetest thing.
I need to be an RA, I don’t see it any other way. God Thank you For the blessings you have given me. You are the reason for my happiness and with out you Lord, who am I?

I went to a speech today. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s Daughter spoke. Her name, Dr. Bernice A. King.  She riveted a part of me that was asleep. I feel like my purpose is change. I feel my purpose is to lead. Do not take things that happen to you lightly, not just  a “coincidence”. Until you find what you will die for you are not alive. I would die for love. Not just romantic love, but the love of a family the family humanity should be. 
I gave a sermon of my own once I got home. Like many I have given before no one ever hears me, but some day I will be heard.
I think its my calling, but what do I do in preparation?  What is the sacrifice I need to make to discover my life’s purpose. I want to look into the martin luther king center more. I want to be something. I want to be someone. I want to make a change and give a voice. I am not afraid of isolation, I am not afraid of rejection or of being condemned

Jesus show me the way.


Sincerely, Me 

I didn’t go. Things got a little fuzzy thanks to Teffys family. Grrrr. I guess another 2 weeks? Damn. I wish he could come to Orlando. It would mean a lot to me if he did. He wanted to skype today :)) He wants to see me. I can at least smile at that. 
Oh well, tonight I went to the movies with Aaron Virgilio and Angie Rivera. I love them. Its a little awkward cause they are a couple who do couple stuff but hey, ALL OF MY FRIENDS DATE EACH OTHER. There is no way of really escaping it. I can handle it.
How can you miss someone you never see in the first place. I don’t know but I do. I’m tired. I will  sleep soon. After I tumbler stalk ;)

Sincerely, Me 

UPDATE. I haven’t seen him since November its January. I see him in 2 more days. I’m flipping out. What if it’s all made up in my head? What if nothing is there? What if I mess it up? I feel like I rather not see him just to not mess it up. It really sucks to not feel worthy. I honestly think he’s amazing. He doesn’t know how much I want this. I can’t even believe how all consuming this is. I mean wouldn’t you freak out over thinking this could be it. You’re search is over, this is it. All you have to do is make it happen. But no I can’t cause its not my way, it’s Gods way. Soooo I have to sit and wait. Love is patient and I’m learning the hard way if I want love I need to earn it, patiently. lol What if its not it? I don’t like to think of that option. I know I don’t love him. I barely have a crush. Honestly, but the idea of love as a possibility makes me flutter. I mean I’m attracted to him and genuinely enjoy his presence and he’s funny, he’s honest and a complete gentile man. My type of perfect. Devil please don’t play with me. GOD is on my side and will fight for me. I mean whats the worst that could happen? He doesn’t like me? I mean I can move on but It’ll be quite sad to have lost those hopes. I can handle whatever life throws at me with God at my side but man would I enjoy having Javie too <3 pathetic, I know. lol
   Wish me luck. This weekend will be a true testament to it all. I hope all is well.

Sincerely, Me :) 

dreamdecember:

My heart craves the emotion love.
When I hear the word roll from my lips,
I think of that person who is waiting for me.
Who will travel the world with me.
And wipe my tears when I cry.
Watch corny movies with me.
Cuddle with me on rainy days.
One that I could keep warm,
As I hold them into me.
I’m waiting.
I’m waiting for you.
It’s time to stop hiding from me.
For I do not think I can handle,
The years of waiting to come.